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“Tremble, o’ creatures of the light, in fear at the first sight of light” --- The Draximum

Paradoxical. I’m referring to that phrase up there. I mean, how can creatures of light, fear light? They’re after all, thrive on light itself. It is light which defines them. And yet, how did I come up with this paradoxical phrase?

Well, it just hit me that I’m a philosophically-paradoxical-inter-personality-challenged person… whatever that means. Ok, I’ll stop smoking around (no, no, not the one that causes lung cancer… I mean smokescreen) and put it in layperson terms. Simply put, I’m someone who can (or try to) think of a completely opposite form of something mentioned, and still maintain that both can exist. Alright, the so-called layperson terms still sounded kind of fuzzy to me. I’ll give a few examples. For the physicist to understand (and with my extremely limited knowledge of physics) I’ll use the example of a positron and an electron. Being me, it’s like saying that positron and electron can exist while still in contact with each other (which is implausible). For the mathematician, I’m someone who’ll create a statement so logical that when 1 subtracts 1, will be equal to 1 and 1 instead of 0. For the Zen-enthusiasts, I’ll maintain the statement of Light cannot exist without Dark, and vice versa.

Is that enough examples then? Yeah, if you’ve caught on to what I’m trying to say, I can also be classified as a contradictor. And yet, a contradictor who is harmonized… another paradoxical statement. I strive on finding that elusive perfect balance, the extreme of neutralities.

But why do I embrace such an ideology? I don’t know, maybe I’m just curious. Or fascinated. It challenges my logic. I understand many of the so-called Zen-like statements, though barely, yet am unable to explain it to anyone, not even to myself. I just somehow, understand that that’s the way it works.

And this has begun to scare me. Well, I kind of started embracing this ideology since… I started writing fiction. Always finding better storylines, with better twists and better, newer themes, I ventured to a relatively new domain… the one which questions our superiority as humans, and the retributions that are meted down to us from those which we once had thought are sins-embodied, but are actually our nature of not accepting that we are capable of evil and instead blame the state of us to others, which does not necessarily be other humans, but rather something else which we can criticize, vent our fury, stoned it, or just plain old hack-and-slash it. And I embraced the contradictory mind.

Yes, this embracement began at that time. Only a few years ago. When I had this grand scheme of things to become a somebody, to be not written down in history books, but remembered by all in a way that it crosses generations and still remains relevant.

I have a dream, to be a novelist, a revolutioner of the minds, but most of all, a legend.

And to achieve that, I need to have a great story. Characters which bonds. And to create such an empathy, I NEED to become the character. At first, it was easy. But then, I realize, I started spending more and more time on developing the characters, immersing in my own world. Basically, I’m day-dreaming like a kid. And this kind of freaked me out. I remembered Emily Dickinson. Through what little I was taught about he in school, she was a great and famous poet, but died alone. I remembered many other great writers/poets. None of them were… bright ending. Is this what I want?

And so, not long ago, I cast aside this need to be a legend. And fortunately, a devastating event happened at that time. It sapped me of my will and what little self-esteem which I have. This helped me to put away this legendary dream. But to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire?

“Through sheer willpower, nothing can stop me, not even Fate,” --- NT2000

Fortunately, I pulled through, horrified of the loneliness of a low-self-esteem life, which is strangely similar to the loneliness of being a legend. But that’s another story.

Even though this seemed the end, I still write my fiction then and now. But not as obsessive as before. However, I felt that the damage had been done.

Every now and then, I felt like I kept alternating between phases. Sometimes, I’m gloomy for no reason, others I’m annoying hyperactive. At times, I want a cocooned life, others I wanted to socialize like nobody’s business.

This is rather disturbing for me. It felt like, an incomplete 2^nd personality is exerting some control. And yet, I kind of like accept it. For something to exist, a total opposite of itself must exist. Yet, one cannot thrive while the other survives.

Which brings me to another point… what if this new found, rejuvenated me is really the 2^nd personality? Before this, not long ago, I’ll happily sit quietly at the corner, preferring others to make friends with me instead of me doing the other way round. And now, though not always, I’m on the look out of finding new acquaintances. Though, I still need to brush up on my skills of maintaining and deepening acquaintance relationships.

+another idea for another short story+

“Percepfus Imperialis!” and suddenly, she felt so vulnerable, her newfound confidence eroded completely.

+it ends here now+

LaiChii lost sight of the point again... @ here